The news of a girl being gang raped in Delhi in a bus and then pushed off it along with her friend has disturbed everyone to no end and I am no exception to it. And this is not a one off incident happening in one city of our country either. We all keep wondering what can we do to make things better and of course there is no single answer.
There is the need for extremely stringent punishment obviously! (but what is obvious to us, is not to the Powers in question! sigh!) There is a need for more safety all around for women. But what we need most are sons who are bought up better. Honestly, to me, that seems like the biggest problem that needs to be tackled. In a country where Boys are considered 'better' than Girls, where patriarchal attitudes are an accepted norm, more and more men seem to have trouble understanding and accepting that women DO have a mind AND will of their own that goes beyond pleasing men.
So here is attempt at drilling some sense in to my son! I hope that he will be a gentleman around all women - all the time!
Dearest Cub,
A woman is NOBODY's property. Irrespective of what our society makes us believe. I hope by the time you grow up an application form that a woman needs to fill will NOT have Father / Husband's name as a mandatory field. But till that happens or does not ever happen, remember that a woman is as much her own person as a man is. Right?! Right! :)
There is nothing that is only a man's or only a woman's job. No work can be decided by gender roles. Both the Bub and you will learn similar things at home. Be it cooking or changing the light bulb. (I cannot, but then I am sure I will be able to if I have to. Just like I CAN pick up the 20ltr water cans when I have no choice!:p). Men change diapers and women drive.
There is nothing wrong in being chivalrous. It is charming really. But do not expect every woman to want it or even like it. Cherish and respect the independence of women around you and you will be one lucky guy. So be ready to split the bills at the restaurant and get laughed at for opening the door! :) That said, charm is never wasted, especially when it is genuine! :)
When a woman says NO, she means NO! I know you will see enough ridiculous movies and read enough silly books that tell you otherwise. That say that when a woman says No, she actually means Yes! There is nothing farther from the truth. She might change her mind over a period of time. Or she might not. Whatever it is, please to note that it is HER call to make and your responsibility to accept it.
Never take advantage of a woman who is either sad, on a rebound or drunk. No actually make that NEVER take advantage of a woman in any situation. Always be kind and helpful. Ok?!
Do not glorify women to be perfect mothers, wives and daughters. They have had quite enough of that. Understand and accept that a woman has as many grey shades in her life as a man. They are as susceptible to frustrations and highs as you are. And yes, they think about sex as much. So try not to be shocked. Oh! and need I say do not objectify them either!
Repeat after me ad-infinitum - A woman NEVER ASKS for it! It does not matter what she wears, where she is and what time it was. So do not fall into the trap of blaming the victim. It is our collective responsibility as a society to ensure her safety and first step is having more awesome men like you around! :)
Be happy if someday your wife / girlfriend earns more than you! :) There is no reason to be insecure just because traditionally it is the man's job to earn the bread. Or do not get upset if your super educated partner chooses to stay at home to raise your children instead of winning accolades in her field of expertise. The most important tenet of Feminism is 'choice'. You will remember that I am sure.
There are so many raging feminist issues now which I hope by the time you are older will have reduced greatly. I mean surely we still won't be discussing of a woman should take her husband's surname or stick to her maiden name? It will be quite de rigeur. And the word 'dowry' will not exist!
There are so many things still on my mind which I do not know how to put on paper. Hopefully you will watch and learn. The good things that is. The important thing to remember that an individual is an individual and the gender really has nothing to do with it. It is as pointless as religion is, but that is for another day, eh?!
Love ya lots
Mamma
ps: you can find the previous two letters here and here.
There is the need for extremely stringent punishment obviously! (but what is obvious to us, is not to the Powers in question! sigh!) There is a need for more safety all around for women. But what we need most are sons who are bought up better. Honestly, to me, that seems like the biggest problem that needs to be tackled. In a country where Boys are considered 'better' than Girls, where patriarchal attitudes are an accepted norm, more and more men seem to have trouble understanding and accepting that women DO have a mind AND will of their own that goes beyond pleasing men.
So here is attempt at drilling some sense in to my son! I hope that he will be a gentleman around all women - all the time!
Dearest Cub,
A woman is NOBODY's property. Irrespective of what our society makes us believe. I hope by the time you grow up an application form that a woman needs to fill will NOT have Father / Husband's name as a mandatory field. But till that happens or does not ever happen, remember that a woman is as much her own person as a man is. Right?! Right! :)
There is nothing that is only a man's or only a woman's job. No work can be decided by gender roles. Both the Bub and you will learn similar things at home. Be it cooking or changing the light bulb. (I cannot, but then I am sure I will be able to if I have to. Just like I CAN pick up the 20ltr water cans when I have no choice!:p). Men change diapers and women drive.
There is nothing wrong in being chivalrous. It is charming really. But do not expect every woman to want it or even like it. Cherish and respect the independence of women around you and you will be one lucky guy. So be ready to split the bills at the restaurant and get laughed at for opening the door! :) That said, charm is never wasted, especially when it is genuine! :)
When a woman says NO, she means NO! I know you will see enough ridiculous movies and read enough silly books that tell you otherwise. That say that when a woman says No, she actually means Yes! There is nothing farther from the truth. She might change her mind over a period of time. Or she might not. Whatever it is, please to note that it is HER call to make and your responsibility to accept it.
Never take advantage of a woman who is either sad, on a rebound or drunk. No actually make that NEVER take advantage of a woman in any situation. Always be kind and helpful. Ok?!
Do not glorify women to be perfect mothers, wives and daughters. They have had quite enough of that. Understand and accept that a woman has as many grey shades in her life as a man. They are as susceptible to frustrations and highs as you are. And yes, they think about sex as much. So try not to be shocked. Oh! and need I say do not objectify them either!
Repeat after me ad-infinitum - A woman NEVER ASKS for it! It does not matter what she wears, where she is and what time it was. So do not fall into the trap of blaming the victim. It is our collective responsibility as a society to ensure her safety and first step is having more awesome men like you around! :)
Be happy if someday your wife / girlfriend earns more than you! :) There is no reason to be insecure just because traditionally it is the man's job to earn the bread. Or do not get upset if your super educated partner chooses to stay at home to raise your children instead of winning accolades in her field of expertise. The most important tenet of Feminism is 'choice'. You will remember that I am sure.
There are so many raging feminist issues now which I hope by the time you are older will have reduced greatly. I mean surely we still won't be discussing of a woman should take her husband's surname or stick to her maiden name? It will be quite de rigeur. And the word 'dowry' will not exist!
There are so many things still on my mind which I do not know how to put on paper. Hopefully you will watch and learn. The good things that is. The important thing to remember that an individual is an individual and the gender really has nothing to do with it. It is as pointless as religion is, but that is for another day, eh?!
Love ya lots
Mamma
ps: you can find the previous two letters here and here.
15 comments:
Loved every word of the letter Abha. Just hope and wish every mom teaches these things to her son.
W.O.W Abha! this is wonderful...I am sure Cub will be so so proud of his mamma when he reads this!
Hats off to you for writing this post. And with your permission I would like to copy word by word and save it for my son to read when he grows older.
hit on some good points !
i need to learn to drive now it reminds me ..
Way to go Mama.. beautiful lessons in beautiful words..
Thanks Falak! :)
R;s mom - danke!! you are still a super reader! :) hugs! see you in april this time?! :)
nm - need YOU ask woman! im honoured!
Nimue -- i am just relearning driving and it is liberating! :)
Me! in words - thankoos! :)
This is wonderful. I hope the world becomes much better place, atleast for our kids. Sumita
This is such a beautiful letter :)
Saving this post kannamma! Its lovely and its so NECESSARY in today's world. While am sure Cub and Button and the rest of the kids around us will grow up to be reasonably equal about women, it's the way we bring them up that'll make them 'reasonable'.
Esp love the 'women think as much about sex' coupled with 'a no means a no'.
Cheers sunshine!
Meera
Wow! This could have been a letter to your hubby. Most ideas were rather eye-opening to me as well...
In days when most of our conversations revolve around "Don't touch that!" or "Finish your milk. Now!", it is refreshing to read your thoughts on a blog. Reminds me what brought us together 15 years ago... Your simple intelligence, and genuine empathy. This was beautifully worded, extremely pertinent, and so easy to follow. All we need to do is "get it"!
Loved every word, and love the smart woman behind those words. Keep writing!!!
these are the some basics that we have been learning since ages but i dont know why still today!... we arent there...I think its our time to let our kids..be it boy & girl not just teach but preach that they r equal..if they treated equal at home in all aspects ...then theres no way..we can hold back girls..
Hope we all new mums can do it :)!.
www.mumsphere.com
Superb!
We'ev got to follow all those points too big time.
Loved it.
Loved it, Abha!
Pains me immensely that in my 30s I still have to fill that damn field in the application form.
Both men and women can hold doors open for men/women, no? Why bring gender into it? Chivalrous=Courteous
Dinned 'No means no' into the almost 6-yo when opportunity presented itself recently
Good that so many of us are thinking about and doing all this :)
Love this. Someday my son will also read this and some more points that I may come up with!
Hi Abs!!! Loved it,when you find a issue you write much better. Keep doing what you do but more often.
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