you better read this letter 4

Dearest Cub and Bub,


You mother has been quiet for a long time and while you poor things keep getting an earful from me pretty much everyday, I haven't spouted some gyaan in this space. So, might as well, eh?


You know what I have been noticing the most these days is sheer lack of courtesy in every sphere of life. My biggest peeve at times being simple Elevator manners. Yes, seemingly simple - 'Let people getting off, well, get off first and then get in. The elevator WILL wait. Yes, really! Folks seem to not even notice little kids while they push past as if, it is the last ride ever.


Point is, courtesy in underrated and I want both of you to know it and remember - at all times! I think it is better to over-do the Thank-you than not enough. People might say you are being formal and that it is not necessary, but good manners ARE a necessity. Keep at it!


Then there is something called Personal Space which isn't always physical. Indians by nature are curious about other people's lives and we don't think about how personal and intrusive our questions can be. So try and learn that there are some questions that you do not ask people or some comments you do not make. Especially people you don't know too well and vice versa.


Do not comment on people's weight! Ever! Whether they are too fat, too thin or have gone from being fat to thin or thin to fat. It is extremely rude to say the least. In the same vein, never ask a woman if she is pregnant. If she is, she will tell you when she thinks the time is right or never at all, but imagine that she is NOT preggers and you ask that question! Definite no go! :)


Same way, no commenting on skin colour or hair or any another physical characteristic in a person. Let's just say the thumb rule is, 'If you do not have anything nice to say, stay quiet'. There is no need to shoot our mouths all the time, is there?


Another invader of personal space set of questions is related to marriage and kids. It really is none of your business as to why someone chose to Not marry or Not have kids or chose to marry someone you think is not right or have one too many kids than you think is ok! :) It is annoying to the person in question o be interrogated for his / her personal choices and rude on your part to ask them.


Also uncool to ask someone how much they earn or tell how much you do.


Life is tough for a lot of folks and we won't know why they are the way they are till we walk many miles in their shoes. There are always things we will not know. I am not saying you cannot discuss these things with your close friends, but only if they are ok with it. But you definitely do not want to ask these questions to a casual acquaintance, a random relative or your colleagues. I have been guilty of some of these, but I have now learnt to not to indulge in these faux-pas as far as possible. At least not intentionally! :)


So there, that is it for today! I will be back when I think of something else to chew your ears about! :)

Love ya both! Lots!


ps: you can read the previous letters here, here and here

a letter to my son (aka you better read this letter 3)

The news of a girl being gang raped in Delhi in a bus and then pushed off it along with her friend has disturbed everyone to no end and I am no exception to it. And this is not a one off incident happening in one city of our country either. We all keep wondering what can we do to make things better and of course there is no single answer.


There is the need for extremely stringent punishment obviously! (but what is obvious to us, is not to the Powers in question! sigh!) There is a need for more safety all around for women. But what we need most are sons who are bought up better. Honestly, to me, that seems like the biggest problem that needs to be tackled. In a country where Boys are considered 'better' than Girls, where patriarchal attitudes are an accepted norm, more and more men seem to have trouble understanding and accepting that women DO have a mind AND will of their own that goes beyond pleasing men.


So here is attempt at drilling some sense in to my son! I hope that he will be a gentleman around all women - all the time!


Dearest Cub,


A woman is NOBODY's property. Irrespective of what our society makes us believe. I hope by the time you grow up an application form that a woman needs to fill will NOT have Father / Husband's name as a mandatory field. But till that happens or does not ever happen, remember that a woman is as much her own person as a man is. Right?! Right! :)


There is nothing that is only a man's or only a woman's job. No work can be decided by gender roles. Both the Bub and you will learn similar things at home. Be it cooking or changing the light bulb. (I cannot, but then I am sure I will be able to if I have to. Just like I CAN pick up the 20ltr water cans when I have no choice!:p). Men change diapers and women drive.


There is nothing wrong in being chivalrous. It is charming really. But do not expect every woman to want it or even like it. Cherish and respect the independence of women around you and you will be one lucky guy. So be ready to split the bills at the restaurant and get laughed at for opening the door! :) That said, charm is never wasted, especially when it is genuine! :)


When a woman says NO, she means NO! I know you will see enough ridiculous movies and read enough silly books that tell you otherwise. That say that when a woman says No, she actually means Yes! There is nothing farther from the truth. She might change her mind over a period of time. Or she might not. Whatever it is, please to note that it is HER call to make and your responsibility to accept it.


Never take advantage of a woman who is either sad, on a rebound or drunk. No actually make that NEVER take advantage of a woman in any situation. Always be kind and helpful. Ok?!


Do not glorify women to be perfect mothers, wives and daughters. They have had quite enough of that. Understand and accept that a woman has as many grey shades in her life as a man. They are as susceptible to frustrations and highs as you are. And yes, they think about sex as much. So try not to be shocked. Oh! and need I say do not objectify them either!


Repeat after me ad-infinitum - A woman NEVER ASKS for it! It does not matter what she wears, where she is and what time it was. So do not fall into the trap of blaming the victim. It is our collective responsibility as a society to ensure her safety and first step is having more awesome men like you around! :)


Be happy if someday your wife / girlfriend earns more than you! :) There is no reason to be insecure just because traditionally it is the man's job to earn the bread. Or do not get upset if your super educated partner chooses to stay at home to raise your children instead of winning accolades in her field of expertise. The most important tenet of Feminism is 'choice'. You will remember that I am sure.


There are so many raging feminist issues now which I hope by the time you are older will have reduced greatly. I mean surely we still won't be discussing of a woman should take her husband's surname or stick to her maiden name? It will be quite de rigeur. And the word 'dowry' will not exist! 


There are so many things still on my mind which I do not know how to put on paper. Hopefully you will watch and learn. The good things that is. The important thing to remember that an individual is an individual and the gender really has nothing to do with it. It is as pointless as religion is, but that is for another day, eh?!


Love ya lots
Mamma

ps: you can find the previous two letters here and here. 

You better read this letter - 2

Dearest Cub and Bub,


I am not sure you cared much for my previous letter, but then that is no reason to stop me from writing you another one. This time lets talk about beauty perhaps? The inner and outer variety? What really matters? Or let us just play by the ear and see what this chitthi says, eh?


Wear comfortable shoes. Most of the time. Especially you, Bub. You are the one who is going to have all the  temptation in the world. Yes, wear those impossible heels once in a while. Be a fashion victim sometimes. Sometimes, being the key word in this case. Nothing is worth a broken back and painful knees and bad posture! :)


Same goes for clothes. Wear clothes that are clean, ironed and comfortable. Wear ones that add to the feel good factor about yourself, but do not let That be he deciding factor for how you feel about yourself! Ever! :) Taking this a little forward, do not judge people by what they wear. In most cases, it just will not matter or even give you an idea about who they really are.


Ever noticed how the word Make-up screams that what you have is not enough? That you need something more to Make-up for what you do not have. Do not use it as far as possible. It is just a lot of chemicals that you can easily do without. Save it for special occasions if you will? And wait till you are old enough to use it? As for me, I have liked my lipsticks and in recent past nail polish. But, I have never felt the need to have those on every time I step out and find myself being more comfortable in my skin as is. I don't expect you to get there young, but least you know you can try! :)


Instead, concentrate on staying healthy. Eat well. Eat fresh as much as possible. Both of you love fruits (most of them) - keep that love going strong. Drink lots of water. Try and not be fussy about food. It is meant to give you nourishment. If it is tasty as well, that is a bonus. (See, how I covered my not being a good cook!;)


Get exercise. Especially the fresh air kind. Or even the gym, if that is what works for you. Stay fit and keep up stamina. Do not let yourself go, the way your parents did. Take up a sport if you can. Just for fun really. You know your AAji always told me, that whatever you see outside is a sign of what is going on inside your body. If you are not taking care of that, even best shampoos in the world cannot save your hair or best lotions your skin! :) I did not listen to her, but you can and should! :)


Maintain basic hygiene at all times. Bath, teeth, nails - yes that kind of basic stuff. It is hugely underrated this commonsense funda. Oh and let us not forget basic bathroom manners as well. Especially no dirty and wet seats, PLEASE! :)


Edited to add - This suggestion by my friend Swapna! Use sun screen! And umbrella or a hat as well! Yes!


You know all that talk about 'Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder" - true that! :) And, I do sincerely hope that both of you will find that for yourself - sooner than later.


Repeat after me - Colour does not matter. Nor the size. Fair does not equal to beautiful. More importantly, Dark does NOT equal to ugly or any less beautiful. People come in all colours, shapes and sizes and none of it really matters except for differentiating one person from another. Really. :) I know there will be times, when it will all seem balderdash - the inner beauty thing - particularly. But keep the faith. Your natural kindness and genuineness will always shine through. So will a true smile that reaches your eyes. That is the time when you do not need to use so called regular parameters to decide if someone is beautiful - physically.


Most importantly, LOVE YOURSELF. There will be moments of self doubt - a desire to be someone you are not naturally. But it will pass quick enough if you believe in yourself. Just stay healthy and happy and the rest will follow.


And if you are ever worried about not being good enough - look at yourself through our eyes! :)


All my love and kisses
Mumma

You better read this letter

Sorry for that supremely lame title, but I do think it is a notch better than what came to my mind first - Maine tujhe khat likha (anyone remember / know that song?!;)

So, I am attempting to share some life lessons with Cub and Bub in this one. Of course, my life has been ridiculously simple (knock on wood!), so I really do not have lot of  varied experiences or major wisdom to share, but one has to make do with what one has, isn't it? :)


My dearest Cub and Bub,


It is an absolute joy to have YOU in our lives. Yes, it is also tiring and sometimes extremely frustrating, but most of the times it is fun. We revel in your achievements - big and small and feel your pain. We love seeing you become little people from being just ugly monkeys when you were born.


Stay happy. It really is a lot simpler than what most people think. Be kind and generous - with what you have and, even more importantly, with your time.

Smile - a lot! Cry when you feel like - it will make your heart feel that much lighter. Help others - every chance you get - whatever way you can. Just the other day, my darling Cub you told me, you helped Ishaan and his mother by holding the lift door open while they struggled to get his cycle in. I pray such actions come naturally to both of you - always.


Read baby, READ! There is no greater joy in this world than reading a good book. Read bad ones too, so that you can know the difference. Books take you to so many new places and let you learn so many new things. They entertain you, make you laugh and cry and ponder and have different points of view. Buy books, join a library and gift the ones you love every now and then.


Write too. A journal or a diary or a blog like this. I never did have the patience when young, but I have been really enjoying jotting down things about you guys. I am sure you will enjoy reading about childhood through my eyes once you are older. You do not even have to be brilliant with words. It is just a way to look back, see how far you have come and smile! :)


Dance! Two left feet, two right feet or you dance like a dream. There is something fabulously invigorating and liberating about dance. If you want to learn it, go on and do that. Does not matter whether it is something classical or dhinchak Bollywood. Even if you don't know how to, always get up and dance! :)


Make friends and keep them. Meet them as often as you can. Ones you cannot, try and keep in touch with them. Phone calls, letter, emails and whatever else is there by the time you grow up. Let me also tell you that not all of them will respond and you will wonder why? Possibly even feel a little hurt. Just understand that some people may have different priorities and it is not always personal. I am terrible at this and you should really learn from your father. He is SUCH a people person and a genuinely good friend! :)


While on topic of friends, surround yourself by people who make you feel good about yourself. By that, I obviously don't mean a bunch of Yes Wo/men. They might tell you off when they feel you have been wrong, but never ever make you think any less of yourself. It is such a waste of time to surround yourself with negative people who pull you down at every given chance.


Family cannot be chosen, but it is important. You will meet all sorts in your life and our families are our first initiation into everything nice and weird! :p Love them and let them love you in their own way. It will not always be easy, and yet there is nothing quite like it! :)


Repeat after me:  Love = Respect. Actually, no relationship is worth it if there is no respect in it. Always be polite. Say your thank you and sorry freely. It does not matter what age group or social status they belong to, no rudeness. EVER!


I wish I had the patience to write some more right now! (Hint: Next letter might start with "learn to be patient"!)


For now, you kids stay good, whine a little less and eat better, will ya?!



All my love

Mamma